Chapter 6

~ groundswell ~

Swirls of faint color pushed night into a memory. Aaron still slept beside her, his breathing slow and deep. The turning of her stomach and slight throb in her head made her reluctant to sit up. She shouldn’t be awake yet; the light in the bedroom was still a hazy blue. The top of the sun hadn’t even peeked over the eastern horizon.

Grace loved this time of morning. Too often she watched the night sky progress from dark to soft black, through dim gray and into the watered blue before she began to feel drowsy. Usually, by the time the sky ripened with the peachy violet shades of morning, she was drowsy enough to fall into a deep sleep. Insomnia was her gift – it allowed her to think and create in a veil of secrecy. Since she was young, Grace used the night as security. It was her time; no one else could lay claim to it. She used it – all of it – for writing, for painting, for musing, for catching up with her life. There was always so much to do, and daylight was so limiting. It was functioning in the daylight hours that was most difficult.
She was reluctant to give up her time alone, this time when she felt most independent and her foundation was intact.

As the room grew lighter, Grace felt more than reluctance. She dreaded this daybreak. She wanted to stay here, in this moment of semi-darkness where the painted lines between right and wrong were ambiguous and the world outside the bedroom was unreal. She wanted to press herself against Aaron and pretend it was still the middle of the night.

Instead, she slipped from underneath the thin white sheet and steadied herself on the planked floor. Her stomach lurched, knees quivered slightly. The dull throb in the back of her head moved forward through every finger of nerve until she could hear nothing but the steady pound of her hangover. She wouldn’t be able to throw up gracefully and panicked at the thought of waking Aaron in this way. She prayed to reach the master bathroom on the other side of the house before the hot, acidic vomit surged.

She had taken one step when the phone began ringing. She felt her throat burn as she started to gag. Aaron turned over, saw her pale face and shot out of bed to grab the silver waste basket in the corner of the room. He held her hair as she cupped the bucket to her chin. She could smell the brandy from the night before, making her wretch fiercely. The phone stopped ringing – she knew it was Jack. Humiliation coiled in her belly as the last of the brandy fought its way to the surface. Red shame heated her face as she gulped at the cool air blowing through the open floor vent.

“Ok, kiddo?” Aaron ran her fingers through her sleep tangled hair and rested his hand on her back.

She nodded and tried to stand.

“Whoa. I got it.” He took the can from her grip. She heard him as he flushed the toilet and ran soapy water into the can.

Her breath was steady now, her face almost cool.

“Good morning.” Aaron stood in the doorway, the dried silver bucket in his hands. His eyes were wide open, somber.

“Morning.” She looked up at him, managed a week smile and stood. Her stomach rolled, but was empty. She didn’t trust herself to speak in longer sentences.

“I’m going to get us some water.” Aaron set the can in the corner headed toward the kitchen.

Grace found her footing and followed him. She grabbed the phone off the counter and sat down on the window bench in the breakfast nook. This was her favorite place in the house – she could see the mountains, the prickly cacti and the morning desert daisies through her picture window here.

Aaron brought the glasses of water and sat across from her. “Jack?”

She nodded. His message was short, but pleasant. Had he just arrived back at his hotel room? Was he awake with someone all night as well?

Her fingers dialed the number for the Westin. “801, please.”

Jack picked up the phone on the first ring. “Grace?”

At least he had the name right.

“Something happened, Jack. We’ve been waiting for you to call.” She looked up at Aaron. His head was in his hands, gray eyes fixed on her. “There was an accident last night. Lucia’s gone.” Grace paused.

“What do you mean ‘gone’ Grace?” The disbelief that had belonged to her the night before had now slammed into Jack. “Like dead?” His voice was faint through the receiver.

“Yes. Jack – Aaron’s still here. We’ve been awake all night…” Aaron touched her arm and nodded his agreement that she said the correct thing. “Here, talk to Aaron.” She handed the phone over and moved her arm. She needed to brush her teeth, to gain some internal strength and momentum. She knew the day would be a long and emotional. A few minutes alone to start the day would be a blessing.

“Hey bro…”

Aaron was tight-lipped, in control again. She knew he was devastated. He knew he needed to be strong to plan the funeral for his father and two sisters.

Jack and Aaron needed to talk. Grace went into her room and ran tepid water for her shower. After scrubbing her teeth, she climbed into the wide garden tub and let the water drench her body, soak her thoughts. She cleared her mind, forced herself to think about nothing, especially not Aaron. The rivulets ran down her, splashing to her feet before the puddles circled toward the drain. It was bright in the bathroom – the skylight in the ceiling filtered the white light over the shower, into Grace. She breathed deeply. The cool water settled her stomach, eased the noise in her head.

She was sure Jack would come home today. She didn’t want him there – didn’t need him to return so quickly, to confuse her further. He was sour when he left, she wanted him to return sweet. News of Lucia would make him sit and stare into nowhere, turn him silent and sullen. He would be helpful to Aaron before he shut the rest of the world out of his thoughts. He was always there for Aaron, just not her.

She commanded herself to stop thinking about Jack. She knew she’d begin to feel sorry for herself if she did; she’d become even more meek and dependent, two things she hated more than anything else. She forced herself to remember when she liked herself, before life became a series of things she hated. For years, she stood there watching herself fade in the mirror. Something needed to turn.

She closed her eyes and faced the shower head. The water splashed her upturned face. She was sure Aaron was waiting for her to emerge so they could talk about his conversation with Jack. She inhaled and exhaled deeply one more time before turning off the shower. Her stomach was calm; she didn’t need to make herself sick by continuing to think of her shower thoughts.

The white terry towel felt soft on her skin. Quickly, she wrapped her hair and found a pair of crisp tan summer shorts and a white cotton t-shirt. She’d go with Aaron today – wherever he needed her, she’d be there. And she’d force herself to be soft-spoken to Jack.

She opened her bedroom door, surprised to see that Aaron had already showered and found one of Jack’s old North Tome t-shirts in the laundry room.

“I figured Jack wouldn’t mind.”

“That’s fine, Aaron.” She stepped out into the kitchen area. “Hungry?”

“No.”

“Me neither.” They both chuckled softly when she touched her tender stomach.

“It’s late enough now to go over to my folks house. I’m going to head over there, check on my dad and Ellen – see if they got a hold of Sarah and Tyler.” He was always so concerned with his sisters. Even after his baby sister had married Tyler, he still checked up on her weekly, wanted to make sure she and Ty were happy and well. Ellen was three years younger than Aaron, though she often assumed the role of big sister. She was constantly asking Aaron when he was going to settle down and she wanted to make sure that he dated the right women. Ellen often joked that Aaron should have scooped Grace up before Jack saw her.

Aaron broke Grace’s reverie. “Come with me?”

“I had planned on it.” She picked up her straw purse and slipped her sunglasses onto her head. She locked the front door.

“Let’s take my car – you can leave yours here.” She noticed how he parked sideways, half on the curb, half off. To Grace, last night seemed so long ago.

She was driving through the winding valley road when she asked him. “So, when’s Jack coming home?” She didn’t really want to know, just wanted to be prepared when he showed later today.

“He’s not. He’ll take the 1:00 flight on Thursday from Monterrey to Tucson. There are no direct flights today. He’d have to go to Phoenix, rent a car and drive down.”

Grace had forgotten that there were only directs from Monterrey two days a week. That gave her two days before he’d be home.

“He said he’d fly home tonight, after his presentation today, but I told him to wait. The funeral won’t be until Friday, at the earliest.” He looked out the passenger window as he said this. “He needs to wrap up this first wave of studies anyway – he’ll be done Thursday morning. It’s okay with me, he’ll be here when we need him…” His voiced trailed off. Grace silently willed him to face her to no avail. She wanted to read his expression, to see what he needed. Instead, she watched the road and he gazed at the tops of the desert sage bushes as she sped through the valley toward Aaron’s parents’ house.

“Aaron, you know he’ll come today if you need him too.”

“I know.” She waited for him to go on. He didn’t say anything, just leaned back in the chair and closed his eyes.

Instead of pushing him to talk, Grace turned on the radio. It was turned to bluegrass, an alternative station to the rock she enjoyed when she needed to sing loud to release her stress.

Cars lined Acacia Street and up the driveway to the house. Sarah and Tyler’s white Chevy minivan was already pulled halfway up the drive, mere inches from the bumper of Ellen’s Jeep.

Aaron opened his eyes and motioned for her to pull alongside the minivan. “My aunt and uncle are here,” he nodded to the new red Buick at the end of the cul-de-sac, “and so are Kris and Tula from the Council.” Grace knew he referred to the Art Council of Esker, which Lucia ran for the past four years.

“Ready?” She searched his face, touched his leg.

He nodded and got out of the car.

The house was eerily quiet. Muted voices, soft murmurs, hushed cries – these were the sounds of people who knew the truth, who were no longer denying that Lucia was gone.

Through the wide entry way, Grace saw George, Aaron’s father, sitting in his brown leather chair. He looked smaller than usual, didn’t wear his impish grin. He was always so relaxed, confident in his life and focused on those around him, those he loved. To Grace, he looked out of place.

Ellen saw them first, crossed the expanse of the family room and threw herself against Aaron. Grace moved into the room to hug George, even though she didn’t know what to say.

“George,” she leaned into him, wishing for the right words, the right tone of voice.

“Grace.” He returned her hug with slack arms. Thin hands patted her back. “Where’s Jackie?” He referred to Jack’s childhood name. That’s all he ever called him. Jackie.

“California. He’ll be home in time…” She let her voice lapse. “He’ll be home Thursday, can’t get back before then.” She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “What can I do?”

“Nothing, love. Not a damn thing.” He uncrinkled the tissue in his hands and looked down into his lap. She held his shoulder until Aaron came over to him.

Tula stood in the kitchen with Sarah. Grace moved toward them awkwardly. The house where Lucia once thrived was shrouded in spiraling despair. Grace felt herself slip a notch, closer to the place where things ceased to matter and dreams were distant memories.

“I’m so sorry,” she said as she hugged Sarah. “I love your mom, can’t believe…” Grace stopped before she fell again. It wasn’t her mother who died this time. She needed to be solid, to care for the people who have been like family to her for more than a decade.

Tula closed the refrigerator door and came over to put her arm around Grace’s shoulders. “Kris and I brought some food for the next few days.”

“That was so nice of you, Tula.” Grace put her head on Tula’s shoulder and then stood straight. She contemplated the strange dance of death and food. When her mother died, people were constantly bringing cheesy, hearty casseroles and thick, cooked roast beef.

Tula listed off the contents of the refrigerator, juice and soup, cold cuts and sandwich bread. Kris had brought taco casserole and some cut carrots and radishes, just in case someone wanted something substantial or healthy. Grace wondered when Kris had time to cook. It was nearing noon and the accident happened late last night. Ellen must have called her right away. She guessed that she and Aaron weren’t the only ones who didn’t sleep much last night.

Grace knew the food ritual would go on for weeks. People would stop by to check on George, bearing prepared potatoes and browned, whole chickens. The neighbor would stop by with fruit. In the wake of the dead, feed the living.

Since everyone would know the news by the end of the day, Grace figured there would be more food than could fit into the crevices of his oversized refrigerator. Platters of food would be put out over the weekend for the mourning period. People would come and go and some would stay through mealtimes to help feed the family. She knew from experience though that George would end up throwing most of the offerings away after it sat untouched for weeks. And she knew that someone, maybe Tula or Kris, would wash all the dishes and return them to their rightful owners with the sincerest of thanks from the family.

“Gracie – thanks for bringing Aaron.” Ellen came into the kitchen and hugged Grace. “He and dad went into the library to talk about making some arrangements. He told us Jackie is in California still and will be calling a little bit later to check in.” Ellen breezed through the kitchen, not stopping for reality. She opened the refrigerator and poured the celery and carrots onto a tray.

“Ellen, it’s ok. Let me help.” Grace reached for a dish for the dressing.

“I gotta keep going. Grab some plates from up above there, please?” Ellen had already taken out bread and lunchmeat and was setting it artfully on long, wooden sandwich boards.

“I understand.” And Grace did understand. She didn’t stop moving after her mom and dad had died. She had tried to deny the fact that her parents were gone, that she’d never see them, that they wouldn’t be there for anything ever again. When reality crashed into her almost a year later, she didn’t know how to let it go. Gina said she had cried for weeks though Grace couldn’t remember that part. She just remembered writing her daily journal to her mother and asking her advice on everything. She still couldn’t look at her diaries from the time she was nine until she reached high school.

She helped Ellen pile a stack of white plates and silver cutlery on one end of the dining room sideboard. They moved the sandwich trays to the center of the table and put the vegetables at the other end of the sideboard. They moved methodically, like it was natural for them to be displaying food instead of breaking down.

The large oak door continued to open and close, admitting friends and family members from throughout the valley. It occurred to Grace that someone had to make the phone calls to out of state relatives, to Jack’s family.

Since Ellen was the most coherent outside of Aaron, she pulled her away from the people who were gathered around the dining area.

“Ellen, who still needs to be notified?” Grace asked her calmly, like she was talking about serving dinner instead of delivering the news of Lucia’s death.

Ellen stopped moving for a moment. She blinked and looked directly at Grace. Her eyes welled. “All my uncles and aunts know. The cousins know, obviously. Tula and Kris took care of the council members. Did you call Iris and Ernie? And Granny Gloria should know too…”

“I’ll call Jack’s family. Anyone else out of town?” Grace needed to help, to be doing something.

“Check with my Aunt Bobbi, she keeps us all together.” Ellen wiped at a stray tear. “Thanks, Grace.”

By the time Grace found Bobbi, she had already made all the calls to family members who lived out of town. She had also called Jack’s parents who were on their way over to the house.

Grace greeted them at the door. “I was just going to call you – Bobbi said she already had. I’m so sorry.” She hugged Iris, then Ernie. She knew Gloria hadn’t been feeling well. “Is Granny ok?”

“Fine, honey. Just fine.” Iris smoothed Grace’s hair away from her face. “Is Jack coming?”

“He’ll be here Thursday.”

“Where’s George?” Ernie came in to the house and looked around.

Aaron and George were making their way down the hall back to the main family room.

Iris brought Aaron into her arms and stroked his hair. “I’m so sorry, Aaron.”

Grace watched the exchange. For his entire life, Iris had been like a second mother to him. He bent in her arms, shaking his head and holding her shoulders. Grace knew at that moment, Lucia’s death became real for him. This was the other mother, not his. This was Jack’s mom, not his own.

Aaron let go of Iris and wiped his eyes. They all moved out of the entry way as more people arrived and departed. The door was permanently cracked, waiting to open to accommodate the people.

As Iris and Ernie walked into the white tiled family room with George, Aaron didn’t move. He exhaled slowly and looked at Grace. In this moment of silence, she could read his mind. His clear, gray eyes demanded that she be calm, collected. He required her to follow his lead. Time slowed. The air conditioning whirred steadily; the ceiling fan overhead spun furiously. The rest of the people in the house seemed so far away. Her thoughts curved around what Aaron needed.

“Let’s go to the library. I need to make some calls.”

Grace followed him down the tiled hallway, stopping just inside the doorframe to the library.

“Shut the door, please. I don’t want my sisters to walk by and hear what I need to say.”

She clicked the door shut.

“Come sit, please.” Aaron took a seat on the rich leather loveseat and patted the other cushion. “I just talked to dad. He gave the orders for a closed casket ceremony. She would have wanted it that way.”

Grace noticed how Aaron skipped around saying the word “mom.” There would be times that he would refer to her as just that, “she” or “her.” The words were easier, rolled off his tongue without too much pain.

“The memorial service is going to be Friday morning at Chapel Santa Inez. We are going to follow that with the burial.” He paused and took a deep breath. “I need to make some phone calls for arrangements. Can you stay here with me?”

“Of course – as long as it takes.”

She sat with him as he dialed the funeral home to make the final arrangements for Friday. After confirming, he called the Daily Chronicle to give obituary information. He methodically listed the names of family members, the time and date of the memorial service, and the fact that his mother would be mourned by the community.

Aaron hung up the handset and returned the phone to its receiver on the desk. Grace toyed with the clear crystal globe paperweight that she picked up from the side table, wishing she could do more than just sit here. She and Jack would send flowers, of course, but she knew that wouldn’t help. The only thing that would help to ease the pain of death is time; and even hours, months and years would never cover the scar.

She knew there would be a time when Aaron smiled again - when talking about his mother brought him joy and not pain. She knew that eventually he’d accept that she was always alive in the memories of her. He’d hear her favorite song on the radio and know she was speaking to him. Aaron would heal, as Grace had, as all humans do. It was the interim that she wanted to fix - the silence that gaped in melancholic air, the next few days of mourning. And there was nothing she could do.

“You ok?” She placed the globe in the center of the table and sat up straight.

“I’m tired,” he said. His eyes were focused outside the large, square window but Grace knew he didn’t see the Acacia Willows and Bougainvillea climbing around the wrought iron fences in the back garden. Lucia’s garden was beautiful – succulent breeds of cactus, full trees and pink vines mixed with red and orange spray roses and large, white Texas varieties. She cultivated desert plants alongside of marigolds and fiery shades of lantana. Her flowers were so alive, even in the August heat, that it didn’t seem real that she was no longer here.

After a few more minutes, Grace cleared her throat to get his attention. He looked up, almost startled to see her there.

“Let’s go see how the rest of the house is faring.” Aaron nodded his head toward the door and Grace stood.

The family room was relatively quiet. Neighbors had left, more had come. All the couches were crowded with slumped, sad bodies. Ernie was sitting near George, hands clasped like he was praying for an alternate reality. Grace was surprised to see that it was after 4:00 in the afternoon. She wondered how long she and Aaron were in the library, if time was finally cooperating to help speed the process along.

She found Iris sitting with Sarah and Ty. Grace sat down with them and offered words of condolences before slipping into silence. She pretended to listen for a little while, then began to think of other things. Her thoughts distorted – she contemplated death and funerals and the cycles of the human race. She thought of her own family in New Mexico and when she’d visit later this year. She remained close with Gina and her cousins and wanted to see them immediately. Death prioritizes life. She needed to go home soon.

She excused herself from the group and went to help in the kitchen. Ellen reigned supreme, directing Bobbi to open olive jars and Kris to extract dishes from the oven. Tula was still there and finished washing the dishes from lunch. Grace helped Ellen place clean dishes and cutlery on the table next to big bowls of fruit, a tray of cheese and crackers, and three hot Pyrex casserole dishes.

Quietly, Ellen circled through the various groups of people who were sitting and talking to let them know that food was available in the dining area. Cousins, sisters, brothers, and close friends shuffled through the doorway, hugging Ellen, thanking the women for taking care of everyone. Grace made plates for George and Aaron, knowing that both of them hadn’t eaten all day.

When she found them, Aaron gave her a grateful smile. “Thanks.” He picked up a carrot and popped the entire piece into his mouth. “It seems wrong – eating. I’m not even hungry. But I feel mean. This’ll help.” He motioned for his dad to eat though George took a bite of fruit and then put the plate down next to him.

“Where’s yours?” Aaron steered Grace back to the dining area, leaving his dad to talk with Ernie.

“I’ll take care of me, don’t worry.” She didn’t want anything, but ate anyway. Her arms felt heavy, and the headache from her morning hangover still throbbed in her neck and temples.

“Ellen is staying here tonight. So are Aunt Bobbi and Uncle Anthony and their kids. Dad has a full house.” Aaron looked at the grandfather clock in the dining room. “I need to leave here, get my car, go home.”

Grace paused, fork halfway to her mouth. “You need to stay here or with Sarah and Ty or in my guest room. You are not staying at home.”

He didn’t fight her – knew he would self-destruct at home if he was alone. They decided to pick up his clothes and drive to Grace and Jack’s house. He’d stay with them until the funeral.

By ten minutes after eight, most of the family and friends said goodbye with promises to stop by tomorrow. Ellen mandated that no one come by before noon to try and allow time for George to rest. Grace, Tula and Bobbi finished cleaning the kitchen and prepared the dishes for the next day. The cycle would continue for at least a week. It was almost an unwritten rule in Esker; the family of the departed would be cocooned with friends and family for at least a week.

Aaron found Grace in the kitchen. “Ready?”

She nodded her head and hung the dishtowel on the oven door. She hugged Tula and thanked her and gave Bobbi her phone number in case anyone needed anything.

They said their goodbyes to the George, the hugs dry-eyed, weary. Sarah and Tyler had already left and the few remaining people were getting ready to go home. All were past the point of tears at that moment. They were numb.

Grace and Aaron stepped out into the warm night air. The digital green thermometer in Grace’s car showed the temperature to be around 95 degrees. As they left the neighborhood, the temperature dropped slowly to rest at 90 degrees.

They drove to Aaron’s house first to collect his clothes and the things he would need for the coming days. Grace waited in the car, reclined in her seat, watching the full moon crest over the eastern horizon. The wisps of clouds made the orange moon appear almost red. In every August, there was one night where the moon reflected red. Grace thought it was appropriate that it was that night.

A slight breeze blew through the desert. She heard the wind speaking through the thirsty leaves on the trees, past the rustling branches of the tall sage bushes. The coyotes and javelina were more active than what was considered usual at this time of the year. They would slow as the fiery August temperatures rose. The leaf-nosed and small brown bats swooped through the valley on their nightly search for sustenance. Even though all the night creatures were awake and roaming, the desert seemed almost morose, like it was just surviving, not thriving. Then again, Grace thought she could be seeing Mother Nature as an extension of herself. The desert had its rhythms, its own cycles and phases.

She heard Aaron’s front door click shut. He threw the bag onto the back seat of her car and climbed into the passenger seat. He put on his seatbelt as Grace backed out of the driveway. She only lived ten minutes away, but the drive felt much longer. Both were exhausted but highly alert.

“When I was younger, Ellen and I used to tell Sarah that we found her in the desert and brought her home. We even pinpointed the spot, right there…” Aaron pointed directly ahead at the deep vee between the north and south points of the Santa Inez mountain range. “We told her that she was being raised by coyotes and that we had to wrestle her away from the den mother. She’d start crying and would always run to mom to ask her if it was true. She’d get so mad at me an Ellen…” Aaron shook his head. “We were mean to Sarah. And Mom yelled…” He trailed off. He fought the memories because he had to get through the next few days. “What was your mom like, Grace?”

Grace wanted to just let go – to pour her memories from her mind and mix them with Aaron’s thoughts about his mother. She knew he wanted to stop thinking about Lucia, and feel connected to someone who had experienced the same thing.

“She was a lot like your mom, like Iris.” Grace started slowly, not wanting to reveal too much information or compare her mother to Lucia too much. “She was a beautiful woman who read to me nightly and made me feel like I was everything in the world all at the same time. We used to talk about what I wanted to do when I got older. I wanted to teach, to be a mom, to be a zoo keeper,” Grace laughed. “She supported all of them equally. Always took me completely seriously. My parents were both like that – very involved with me, totally focused on making me happy.”

They pulled into the driveway and Grace shut off the engine. The moon was high in the sky now, illuminating the night sky to silver hues against the black backdrop. Aaron grabbed his bags and Grace opened the door. They were exhausted, but she knew she couldn’t sleep yet. He dropped his bags in the guest room and came out to the family area.

“Want to watch a movie?” Grace opened the left side door on the pine entertainment center and motioned to rows of movies she and Jack had collected throughout the years.

“Not really. I think I’m going to go to bed. Thanks again, Gracie. For everything.”

“Yeah.” She smiled. “If you need anything, let me know. Goodnight.”

“Night.” Aaron disappeared down the hall. Grace poured herself a glass of water and took a valium to calm her nerves. Sometimes she just felt the urge to take some of her nervous energy away. Half the time, she was relaxed enough to actually sleep.

She continued to stand there, thinking of what she wanted to do. She knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep yet. She picked up her glass of water and headed for the back patio. She’d drop her feet into the pool and sit there for a little while – that may help relax her enough so that she could sleep.

The entire backyard smelled like the thick citrusy leaves from the lemon tree. It was too late for lemons, to early for blossoms. Small, round lemon buds had fallen to the ground. They looked like dried brown beans.

She dipped her feet into the pool, positioning herself near the deep end built-in loveseat. The black water reflected ripples of white moonlight. She took a deep breath, trying to clear her thoughts about Aaron and Jack and the untimely death of Lucia. The next few days would be the hardest and she would help him make it through. Jack would return. They could talk if they needed to after the funeral. Then again, he may just leave to go back to California.

She breathed a sigh of hope. Postponing the inevitable until she figured out what to do would be the best thing.

The sliding glass door swooshed open and closed with a soft click.

“I couldn’t even fathom going to sleep – I don’t know what I was thinking.” Aaron laughed softly. “Is it ok to sit out here with you?”

“Pull up some concrete – the pool is warm.” The breeze blew her words to his ears.

He settled down beside her and put his feet into the water with a soft sploosh. He smelled like clean soap and his hair was wet. He must have showered before finding her contemplating her life on the deep end of the pool.

“I’m glad you came out here. It is a nice night.”

“Sure is – not too warm yet.”

“Nope.” Grace pushed her legs back and forth through the water.

“What’s wrong?” He motioned toward her moving legs.

“Nothing in particular. I am just feeling angsty and needed to calm myself.”

“Angsty?” He poked her in the side.

“Yeah. Don’t make fun. You know – angsty. Like anxious and angst building up inside until it feels like it is going to burst forth and I want to scream?” She took a breath to recover from the long sentence. “Angsty.”

“I get it. Just trying to make conversation that wasn’t depressing.” Aaron trailed his fingers through the clear water.

“Oh.” She was quiet now, the very thing that he didn’t want apparently.

“You know, I was thinking about death earlier today.” He looked up to the sky. “It comes suddenly, doesn’t it? Takes things that don’t belong to it.” Grace nodded her head in agreement. “I want to do other things but now I’m wondering if it is going to be my time soon too.” Aaron flicked at the water.

“I used to think of that a lot – especially after my parents died. I figured I was next, that death was just waiting for me to round the next corner. I think it’s normal to question your own mortality when faced with it.”

Grace stood on the seat in the pool and looked directly at Aaron. He pushed himself up and stood next to her.

“We’re alive though.” Aaron brushed his hand along her throat.

She counted the seconds as he leaned closer. They both knew that the kiss was inevitable, that they had moved beyond where they could gracefully go back. Bright moonlight illuminated intentions. The back of her neck shivered.

The first kiss had ended before Grace remembered how it began. She needed it to continue. They both gasped for air when he finally leaned back to look at her face.

Even though they stood in the water, Grace felt like she was boiling.

“Gracie, I know this isn’t - ”

“Shh, Aaron. No point in talking about what we already know.”

She backed away from him, stepped out of the pool and turned to face him. “Coming?”

She walked through the main hallway, straight to the guest room. The master bedroom was closer, but she knew, no matter what unspeakable act she was about to commit, that she wouldn’t allow herself to go in there. That was Jack’s space too. She didn’t want him in the space where she and Aaron met.

The bed was soft, smelled like Aaron from the night before. She put her head back, propped herself on her elbows to wait for him. Her heart throbbed, her throat closed and she didn’t care that she was breaking vows, throwing away her promises. At her core, she didn’t care what was wrong – what she should do versus what she would do. And she always knew that she couldn’t be trusted to pick the most moral thing.

Many times she wondered if she was warped because her parents had died when she was such a young age. Even though Gina had raised her with strict values, she wondered if she had lost the ability to stop herself from throwing herself over the edge of reason.

She stopped reasoning when Jack left for California. For the past 24 hours, in the back of her mind, she knew that she would move with Aaron inside her and it would be the most natural thing in the world. And it was.

When she opened her eyes to see his expressions, to memorize his movements, she saw his gray eyes staring straight back at her. He kept her locked there, in his moment of truth, until she felt like her world was going to blow into a million stars. She let it all go. She let go of the voices in her head. He let go of his grief in a loud gasp. Their movements slowed, both trying to return their deep breaths to a normal cadence.

Neither said a word for several minutes.

“You ok?” He rubbed her shoulder.

“Mm-hmm. You?”

“Yes, Gracie.”

And she slept more soundly than she ever had in her life.